Visiting with the Fox, Day 2

Today was such a good day! I am exhausted, but it was so good. We began with a walk through the local state park. I’ve spent a fair amount of time there throughout my childhood and adult life, and it was pleasing to show Fox such an important location. Additionally, her dog enjoyed our jaunt. It was a lovely 55 degrees outside so we were able to enjoy a pleasant breeze and clear blue skies. Oh, how I love Indiana in the spring!

Okay, yes, it’s not quite spring. But it FEELS like spring, which is what matters most to me. And it is energizing. I have built up some emotional stock that may help sustain me through the next week or so.

After the park we stopped by my work for lunch and visiting, and then picked up some things at The Container Store. I’ve been attempting to organize my art supplies and Fox has been kind enough to help me with this task. There’s something about friends helping each other organize that is, oh, so satisfying! I am thankful that she has chosen to spread her generosity in my direction. The shopping trip was slightly tense because Fox does NOT enjoy shopping, but we persevered and managed to pick up some key items for my closet.

After that we went to see Soul Sister (the youngest, 16, a sophomore) perform at a show choir competition. She was lovely, of course. She absolutely shines on stage. The crowds are always overwhelming so we left soon after, but it was nice to see her in action.

After that we went home. By this time it was already evening so we got some homework done and other odds and ends. Overall it was a nice day. I’m looking forward to spending time recharging by myself, but it was well worth the energy to be able to spend time with my wonderful friend.

…At the same time, though, my sadness lingers. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, but I can’t help but feel dissatisfied with my life. Perhaps it’s feeling unaccomplished or inadequate. Inferior, for sure. I guess I just fall into the trap of constructing ideas of success that are not currently within my reach. Maybe I’ll get there eventually. Perhaps, though, I should spend some time truly, deeply examining the things that are actually important to me. After all, “when life is smiling at me, why do I frown?”

When the Fox Came to Town

Today was good. One of my coworkers graciously offered to cover my shift for today. I woke up at 8:45 to my alarm, grabbed a snack and some water, and promptly fell back asleep. I have a tendency to sleep late on my days off. I’m sure this is due to a combination of being bipolar, having formed such a habit as a child, and having poor self-control or self-regulation. It certainly is normal for me, whatever the reason.

I used to get really bent out of shape about it, so to speak, but nowadays I try to give myself a break. Part of my self-care strategy is to not punish myself for struggling to regulate my thoughts and actions. As long as they are not detrimental to anyone else, I usually don’t get very upset about them. This comes as a surprise to some people because it may seem like I am being lazy or don’t care about how my actions affect other people. On the contrary, I am hyper-aware of how my actions affect other people, so giving myself leeway on personal matters tempers my anxiety about the relational and social aspects of my life.

But enough examination of my sleep schedule. I finally got up around 1:30 P.M. One of my dear friends, whom will be referred to as Fox, is visiting. A succinct summary: she is 24 years old, cis female, white, upper middle class, Christian, and currently working on a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. She is also one of the most sweet, endearing, and generous people I have ever met. We became friends while we were both attending university; she is one of the few people that I have maintained regular contact with since I left that school in 2015.

Fox arrived around 3 P.M. By then I had woken up a bit with some coffee and NPR. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and putting together my new bed frame from Ikea. It’s BEAUTIFUL. After we finish organizing and decorating my room, I will post pictures.

She is currently passed out on my armchair because the poor girl has been up since early this morning. I’m tired as well, but I wanted to post about the day because I feel so nicely about how the day went. Fox is probably the most supportive person in my life, especially when it comes to sheer positivity and acceptance. She has always taken me at face value and helped me to pursue my best self. I think that I have helped her too in many ways, but I really cannot repay her for the gift of her presence in my life. I am certainly a better person for knowing her.

Additionally, I find that our twin diagnoses (she’s type one bipolar, I’m type two.) allow us to have a special connection. After all, there are not so many people who can truly appreciate the complexities of a bipolar mind, as wonderful and terrible as it is. I hope that some day in the future she will partner with me as co-parents of foster children. If nothing else, we will have great discussions and bring joy to each others’ lives.

I have other things on my mind, but I guess all I can seem to talk about right now is how wonderful Fox is! Oh well, it’s not a bad problem to have. Basically I’m thankful for her presence and am very glad that we finished putting together my bed frame.

More updates on this weekend soon!

Beginning

I decided to start a blog. I decide to start blogs about every other year, but maybe this one will stick. I have a great name, for one thing. “Full of Whit”. It’s like Full of Shit but also Full of Wit. Very punny, if I do say so myself.

What will I be discussing here? Quite a few different things, but mainly mental health, lifestyle, and my various daydreams. Part of being bipolar is that I have equal parts of weird mental tangents that involve very dramatic ideas and horrible spirals of depersonalization and existential fear. Having a place to keep my thoughts is, I think, a good idea. Additionally I do get tired of sharing everything I think via Facebook or Twitter or Finsta (my second, private instagram account).

Let’s start off with what’s going on in my life right now. I am currently working full time as a barista and supervisor. I am also working in retail one or two nights a week. Beyond that I am still in college, so I am taking two evening classes in upper level Sociology topics. (I am technically a senior considering credits but I am taking classes part-time until further notice.) I just started back as a barista a few weeks ago. Before that I was doing retail and did a brief stint as a waitress and bartender. Before that I was actually at the same coffee shop. This would have been about seven months ago. In that seven months I had those three jobs, attempted and failed two college courses, and participated in a four (or five? …six?) week outpatient program for mental illness.

Basically, it’s been a whirlwind. I’m happy to say that my life is back on some sort of path rather than the blind wandering that it consisted of for the last two years or so. I’m not sure what the future will hold. But I currently don’t want to kill myself, so things are looking up!